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Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. He who hesitates is probably right. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. Two wrongs are only the beginning. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. Change is inevitable....except from vending machines. Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things. A fool and his money are soon partying. Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it! If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands.... Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade! Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals." Death to all fanatics! Guests who kill talk show hosts - On the last Geraldo. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. Half the people you know are below average. 99.99 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. ********************************************************************* ****** Q: Why do West Point graduates hang their diplomas from the rear view mirror? A: To justify their handicap parking. ---------------------------------------------------------- Q: Do you know why the Army football team should change its name to the Opposums"? A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road. ---------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why doesn't Army have ice on the sidelines during games? A: The guy with the recipe graduated. ---------------------------------------------------------- Q. What do you get when you drive slowly by the West Point campus? A. A degree. ---------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and a West Point Cadet? A: Six more weeks of bad football. ---------------------------------------------------------- Bob Sutton gave his Army football team a few days off. Several decided to go down to Panama City Beach for fun and relaxation. Coach Sutton saw the players the first day back at practice and asked about their vacation. "Not good coach," said the players. "We never made it to the beach." "Why not," the coach asked, "car trouble?" "No," they replied, "every few miles down the interstate we saw signs that said, 'Exit, Clean Restrooms'. You have no idea how many restrooms we cleaned between West Point and Panama City." ---------------------------------------------------------- The Annapolis grad walked into the bar, sat down and said, "Hey barkeep, you hear the joke about the four West Point players in a farmhouse?" Chairs scraped behind him, and four of the biggest, meanest guys in the bar stood up. "We played for Army. You sure you wanna tell that joke?" The Navy grad smirked in disbelief and said, "What, and have to explain it four times?" ---------------------------------------------------------- Q: How many West Point plebes does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, it's a second year course. ---------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear that Army just bought twenty new septic tanks? Yeah, and Army coach Bob Sutton says as soon as they learn to drive them, they're gonna invade Annapolis. ---------------------------------------------------------- Q: How many Air Force Cadets does it take to change a flat tire? A: Three, two to go for beer and one to call daddy. ---------------------------------------------------------- Q: How many Army Cadets does it take to change a tire? A: Just one, but he gets four hours credit and it counts as a lab science! ---------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a West Pointer and a catfish? A: One's a slimy, smelly, scum-sucking bottom feeder, and the other is just a fish. ---------------------------------------------------------- Q: What are the best four years of a West Pointer's life? A: Third grade ---------------------------------------------------------- An Army football player was almost killed in a tragic horseback riding accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death. Thank Goodness the manager of the K-Mart came out and unplugged it. ---------------------------------------------------------- Q: How come the Army football team doesn't have a website? A: They can't string three "W's" together. ---------------------------------------------------------- Q: How many Army Cadets does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: One -- he just holds onto the bulb and expects the world to revolve around him.

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