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The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way? The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... No." "Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was cut off. "Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea...." The lawyer cut him off once again and said, "Well, if I don't give any money to them, then why should I give any to you?!" -------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------------- Jim and Bob were golfing one fine day, when Jim, an avid golfer, slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. Jim takes his 8 iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine, in search of his lost ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently for his errant ball. Suddenly Jim spots something shiny. As he nears the location of the shiny object, Jim realizes that it is an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton laying near an old golf ball. Jim excitedly calls for his partner Bob. "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here." Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out to Jim, "What's the matter Jim?" Jim shouts back in a nervous voice, "Bring me my 7 iron. You can't get out of here with an 8." -------------------------------------------------------------- There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then donated some of his skin... However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter! After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty! She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!! He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!" ------------------------------------------------------------- A man is having terrible headaches. He can't sleep, can't eat, can't think, can't do much of anything because of the pain. Several doctors examined him and couldn't determine the cause of his problem. He finally went to one of the top neurological specialists in the country who examines him and says, "I've found the cause of the pain. Your testicles are pushing up into your spine. The constant pressure on the spine causes the headaches. The only thing I can do is perform surgery and remove your testicles." The man is shocked to hear this but the decision is not difficult as he knows he cannot stand the pain of the headaches. He has the surgery and immediately feels like a new man. The pain is completely gone and he feels like he has a new life. He is so happy he decides to buy himself a new suit. He goes to a small men's shop and tells the old tailor that he wants to buy a suit. "Sure," says the tailor. "You're a 42 long, right?" "Wow, how did you know?" says the man. "Hey, I've been in this business a long time. You learn a few things," said the tailor. The tailor brought the man a suit that fit perfectly. It looked so good that the man decided to buy a new shirt to go with it. "16 1/2 - 34, right?" said the tailor. "Right again!" said the man. "You're amazing." "Hey, I've been in this business a long time. You learn a few things," said the tailor. The tailor brought a shirt and tie and they looked great. The man said, "Hey, let's go for broke. Give me a pair of the silk boxers too." The tailor said, "36 right?" "I'm disappointed," said the man. "But two out of three is still good. I wear size 34 boxers." The tailor said, "Hey, I've been in this business for a long time and I think you need a 36." The man replied, "It's obvious you know your business but I've worn size 34 for as long as I can remember. I'm going to have to disagree with you on this one." "Hey look," said the tailor, "I'll sell you whatever you want. But I've been in this business a long time. If you wear a size 34 it's gonna push your nuts up into your spine and give you terrible headaches!"

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