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            <forwards reading the Physician's Desk Reference>

DRUGS FOR MUSICIANS

Bitcheril - (di-tetraethyl-primadonna-bitchenhydrazine sulfate USP) 
brand of
attitude suppressant for orchestral and ensemble musicians.

AVAILABLE FORMS: 325 mg tablets, 500 caplets (BitcherilTM Extra-
Strength),
50
g/l suspension (BitcherilTM IV for continuous intravenous infusion. 
See also
Alternate forms below.

INDICATIONS: for the reduction of attitude, frustration, and general
uppityness in orchestral and ensemble playing situations; for 
soothing of
bruised ego; for alleviation of feelings of technical, musical and
interpretive superiority to musicians seated farther forward; for 
the
temporary relief of professional jealousy, baton envy, and related
conditions.

DOSAGES: (note: these are recommended guidelines, subject to increase 
in
cases
of exceptional attitude).

Children: use of BitcherilTM in children is not recommended, except 
in the
case of child prodigies, for whom extreme dosages have proven to be 
of some
therapeutic value (see Alternative Forms below)

Violinists: 2 tablets every three-hour rehearsal; this may be 
increased to 2
Extra-Strength caplets if symptoms persist.

Flautists: The recommended dosage of 5000 mg. every one-half hour 
rehearsal
makes oral administration impractical; generally continuous 
intravenous
infusion as indicated.

Lower string and woodwind players: one-half tablet every 3-hour 
rehearsal
for
every octave of tessitura above 5-ft. bass C. Brass players; research 
has
shown that the attitudinal receptors of brass players are immune to
suppression by any means; the use of attitude-suppressant agents has 
proved
of
little or no therapeutic value in these cases.

POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS: Dizziness, confusion, decreased ability to 
keep track
of running measure numbers, general decrease in creativity and 
originality;
in
violinists, excessive dosages have been known to cause dramatic and
uncontrollable increases in alto-clef-reading ability, and a marked 
desire
to
play relatively uninteresting accompaniment figures.

Alternative forms of BitcherilTM

(di-tetraethyl-primadonna-bitchenhydrazine sulfate USP), for use in 
special
situations:

GripenotTM - (Bitcheril brand attitude suppressant in pleasant-
tasting
espresso flavored liquid form, for those who experience difficulty 
in
swallowing tablets, or for surreptitious introduction into a fellow
musician's
cappuccino)

Nag-B-GonTM - (BitcherilTM brand attitude suppressant in aerosol form,
 for
section or orchestra-wide dispersal)

FuckoffTM - (BitcherilTM brand attitude suppressant in compact Triple-
Extra-
Strength suppositories).

Note: This is the only form proven effective for child prodigies and 
vocal
soloists.

Philharmonica Pharmaceuticals - Berkeley
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