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One Liners *Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please? *Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn with... *If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help. *Would the Standing Committee please sit down? *43.3% of statistics are meaningless! *The difference between tax avoiding and evasion is 10 Years. *Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular. *A.A.A.A.A. - An organization for drunks who drive. *Madness takes its toll; please have exact change... *It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit. *For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients. *Bacon & eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are committed. *Which is the non-smoking lifeboat? * |||||||//////__ __ __ __ __ The domino effect at work. *Originality is the art of concealing your sources. *Just fill out one simple form to win a Tax Audit! *Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers. *Grow your own Dope - Plant a Politician. *Contents may have settled out of court. *If idiots could fly, then this would be an airport. *A day without sunshine is like night. *A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.... *Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch. *Would you trust a POLITICIAN to run the country? *Improve mail delivery... mail the posties their pay!! *Treat each day as your last, one day you will be right. *Old is always fifteen years older than I am. *5 out of 4 people have trouble with fractions. *I am the root of some evil... send some money. *The buck doesn't even slow down here! *Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain. *If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer. *Don't be sexist. Broads hate that. *Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience! *The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep. *Don't question authority..... It hasn't got a clue!!!!! *Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty. *He who laughs last is S-L-O-W. *Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere! *Multitasking = screwing up several things at once. *Looking for a helping hand? There's one on your arm. *Don't take life too seriously, it's not permanent. *Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river. *The trouble with political jokes is they get elected. *A conclusion is where you got tired of thinking. *Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it. *History is a set of lies agreed upon by the Victor. *After four decimal places, nobody cares. *One good turn gets all the blankets. *Almost all loan officers have artificial hearts. *Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. *War never decides who is right, only who is left. *A job is nice but it interferes with my life. *'Criminal Lawyer' is a redundancy. *Don't worry: the answer's at the back of the book. *A crowded elevator smells different to a midget. *Support the right to arm bears. *We do precision guesswork. *My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot. *Don't let school interfere with your education. *'Oh what a tangled web we weave' - Hair Club for Men. *Where there's a will, there's a lawsuit. *A penny saved is a government oversight. *Smash forehead on keyboard to continue... *Shin - Device for finding furniture in the dark. *How does AVON find so many women willing to take orders ? *Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. *I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week. *I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. *Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In All States. *Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. *Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. *The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. *When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. *If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. *Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. *When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. *Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. *Black holes are where God divided by zero. *Make a speech interesting, say: I stand here before you to look behind you to tell you of something I know nothing about. ><><><><><><><>><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><<><><><><<> This is a contribution from an anonymous source: Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal. The following are 22 questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses: 1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?" 2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?" 3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?" 4. "Were you alone or by yourself?" 5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?" 6. "Did he kill you?" 7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?" 8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?" 9. "How many times have you committed suicide?" 10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" A: "Yes." Q: "And what were you doing at that time?" 11. Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes." Q: "How many were boys?" A: "None." Q: "Were there any girls?" 12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" A: "Yes." Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?" 13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" A: "I went to Europe, Sir" Q: "And you took your new wife?" 14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" A: "By death." Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?" 15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?" A: "He was about medium height and had a beard." Q: "Was this a male, or a female?" 16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work." 17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people." 18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?" A: "Oral." 19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?" A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.." Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?" A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy." 20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?" A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel." 21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" A: "I have been since early childhood." 22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for breathing?" A: "No." Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere." ><><><><><><><><><>><><><><><><><>< Cindy B. sends us this next one: A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways... At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'" ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< Here is another one from Texas via Nate: IF OPERATING SYSTEMS WERE BEER DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available. Mac Beer: At first, came only in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan. Definitely "less filling" than any of the Microsoft beers. Popular at home, when no one is watching you drink it. Windows 3.1 Beer: The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it. OS/2 Beer: Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold. This beer could be discontinued at any moment. Windows 95 Beer: Now that you can buy it , a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim its great. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew. Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars. Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years. Produced by many different breweries around the country, but no standard receipe is used to produce it, or if one will ever exist. Many people are afraid to drink it, but those that do are often drunker than a skunk. AmigaDOS Beer: The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway. VMS Beer: Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it. BeOS Beer: This beer is very inexpensive. Everyone says it tastes great, but you don't have the peripherals for it to work with your refrigerator. This beer is rumored to contain many of the same ingredients as the Unix beer, but no one is really certain whether or not it does. ><><><><><><><><><<><><><>><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< Top 50 OXYMORONS: 50. Act naturally 49. Found missing 48. Resident alien 47. Advanced BASIC 46. Genuine imitation 45. Airline Food 44. Good grief 43. Same difference 42. Almost exactly 41. Government organization 40. Sanitary landfill 39. Alone together 38. Legally drunk 37. Silent scream 36. British fashion 35. Living dead 34. Small crowd 33. Business ethics 32. Soft rock 31. Butt Head 30. Military Intelligence 29. Software documentation 28. New York culture 27. New classic 26. Sweet sorrow 25. Childproof 24. "Now, then ..." 23. Synthetic natural gas 22. Christian Scientists 21. Passive aggression 20. Taped live 19. Clearly misunderstood 18. Peace force 17. Extinct Life 16. Temporary tax increase 15. Computer jock 14. Plastic glasses 13. Terribly pleased 12. Computer security 11. Political science 10. Tight slacks 9. Definite maybe 8. Pretty ugly 7. Twelve-ounce pound cake 6. Diet ice cream 5. Rap music 4. Working vacation 3. Exact estimate 2. Religious tolerance 1. Microsoft Works

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