Humor File

            THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS THAT PRESIDENT CLINTON *SHOULD* HAVE GIVEN


"Mr. Vice President.  Mr. Speaker.  Members of Congress.  My Fellow 
Citizens.

I banged her.  I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, 
because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my
orchestra, you haven't been paying attention.  The only babes in D.C. I 
HAVEN'T tried to bag are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, 
mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that 
former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy.

Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do.  If not for the 
ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm 
equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.

So, let me set the record straight.  I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, 
smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the
White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the
Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered
the Oval Office.  Got it? Good.

Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as
horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a
good move on your part.  Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball 
player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who 
thought he could bomb his way into the White House.  Before him, it was 
Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. 

There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, 
smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in.  Before 
him, Nixon coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausible
deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his 
crackerjack style of governing.

It goes without saying that Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal
whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John 
Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long
enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for 
"beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White 
House. Which brings me back to my point.

Since I have been playing first Saxaphone here at the White House, 
government is doing more for less.  The budget is balanced for the first 
time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't 
seem to care about, evidently.  Unemployment is so low today a blind felon 
can get a job as a night-watchman. The stock market is higher than a 
D-student on a full gram of cocaine, and anyone with a degree from a junior 
college who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual 
maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where their next meal is coming 
from. Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my 
willie showing.  What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your 
daughter (unless, of course, she's a hottie with big hair and thin ankles, 
and then I'd like to discuss it).  In the meantime, think about where you 
are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested 
in where I'm parking the Presidential limousine. 

God bless the United States and Thank God for little girls. Good night.
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